Saturday, September 30, 2006
The emptiness that dwelleths
Loneliness and emptiness of the heart are terrible to behold and terrible to experience and I wonder if this is what I just have to live with?
I am in this stage of life, in my late teens, having an incredibly high need for social interaction which I am sad to say, cannot be easily fulfilled. Perhaps it was a mistake of how I lived life in the past or perhaps I am still in line to receive the Lord's blessings but it has come to this.
No, do not get me wrong about this. I am not alone nor am I utterly friendless in this world that I complain and lament of loneliness. I have many wonderful friends, blessings of the Lord my God, in church and in school, but all in all, I feel that I am close with no one.
Allow me to illustrate. Imagine a small village with many houses. At times when I attend church or go to school, everyone comes out of their houses. There is great fun and fellowshipping and then the bell rings and everyone has to scuttle back home. Everyone seems to have someone to go home with, save I who goes home alone. This 'home' which I am referring to, is a dearest and most close friend.
Even all my classmates, sure we gather and have fun in school, but after school? Everyone departs to their own homes and fellowships with their own friends in their own houses. My house is however, empty.
I have formed no clique, I have made no close friends, I go from place to place and there is free entry and exit of the existing cliques. I hang out with just anybody and anyone who will have me amongst them. In short I appear to be some sort of a loner who prefers to go around alone, needing people only to fulfill social needs.
But my desire for friendship extends beyond there. Thus, having left the company of great crowds eg. CG, sch, I find that I feel very empty in the heart. There is just no one left and I just seek refuge in games and cling on to msn for support. There is no depression, but at times just a sadness and a longing will come.
I wonder why? Is this normal? Am I thinking too much again? Are there close friends nearby whom I cannot see and their friendship is not felt? I will lend others my support, but who will lend me theirs?
I have once been over reliant upon people who I presumed to be dearest and closest friends and thus accidentally intruded into their personal space. It was a real pinch to find out at the end that I was like a burden to them (burden may be a little exaggerated), though their willingness to help was sincere. I illusioned and dreamed far too much and lost a close friendship which I thought I had gained. In the end it appears to be no more then a fool's hope. I was indulged in their house only out of the kindness of their hearts.
I wonder if I should just pull myself together and just accept life as a loner? Is that my preferred style of life? Or have I done something so terrible in the past that I am abhorred?
But even as I am blindfolded and fogged in a maze with no sense of clear direction, I will just continue to pray and trust in the Lord my God as I walk forward. No matter what, I cannot once more allow the things of the World to affect my duty, love and obedience to the Lord. I will continue to press on and wait for His counsel, His deliverance from my problems and await His great blessings, for His promises He shall keep to me. I want more than anything else, to be a powerful warrior of the Lord and to serve until the end of the age. I pray that the Lord will swiftly answer me and hasten to guide me and lead me lest I fall.
I begin to take up His cross and come after Him. But the cross is heavy and the lifting is hard. I promise never to give up or stumble for I will trust in Him always and if I have no closest friend, I actually need not fear for the Lord is my closest friend and brother. When I am alone in the house that I have returned to, I fellowship not with men but with the Lord my God.
Hallelujah!! Praise the Lord my God for His grace endures forever! I will strive to make it my one true aim in life: To develope a true and powerful, intimate relationship with my Father in Heaven.
Praise the Lord! Amen.
Posted by The Inflamed at 12:24 AM
