Sunday, June 24, 2007
I'm back =)
Hello...blog...haha...I realise that I haven't been here in ages...well most of the time...there really isnt anything much I wish to make public declarations of...
The past few weeks, well probably the last two months have been some of the worst I have gone through since september last year. Its weird...I thought that a kitchen environment would make me happy and encourage me to study with increased motivation. Curiously I dread the return to school...is it because of the people? Well I would say most probably...and the chefs have decided to up the discipline standards...I feel so nervous that i'm breaking out in sweat, with the fan blowing at me on a cool night.
I guess...new places, new demons. Sighs. I feel that I am being pressed down on all sides...having been spiritually dry for about a month, worrying about evangelism, stressing myself over church works, cracking up about people I can't stand...doing things I hate to do, not being able to find the rest I wish I could find...and now having to manage relationships with a great number of people which I constantly find so tiring.
It is ironic how building a relationship with someone can be so natural...such a normal part of human life as much as breathing is but its complexity is far beyond simple comprehension. It really is one of the hardest things to do in life =) ....and I think by far it is giving me the most problems...here my character is being put to the test as I continue to be burned in the fire as I interact with people and constantly finding ugly things...things that I would rather avoid and run away from but at the same time, having to stand and face them like a good soldier of Christ. s
I am terrified, farned, stressed and tired out. If only every single person was nice and friendly... like how I felt when I first joined S23...it seems like I found somewhere where I feel safe. The world out there is so scary...
Now that almost entire cg has found out about me and qiao ru, there is no point hiding it anymore...if I was hiding it in the first place...haha...and if anyone reads this anyway...
Well...its always nice to have someone...besides God who sometimes seems so far away. When I become frightened of the people around me...its nice to have a friendly face and a comforting voice, knowing that this is a friend that you can trust...and even if the world would be nasty to me, God wouldn't be...and qiao ru wouldn't be. =)
Sometimes...I just don't wish to care anymore...too tired...too stressed...too burdened by fear to go on. I just want to sit in comfortable places and find people I can trust...find people who...will be nice and friendly...after ...what seems like so much coldness and harshness out there in the world. Friends come and go so easily...and it doesn't matter how close you once were...
I try to smile...try to be sociable...try to extend a hand of friendship =) but sometimes, I'm tired of smiling for people. I like the theme song in bleach...some of the lyrics said, "its ok to smile for yourself...your wings are just tired from the clear blue sky...or even if you can't let go of the past, I'll still be there to meet you tomorrow...haha reminds me of QR...and God.
God...why is it so hard for me to find You? Didn't You say that seek and you will find, ask and it will be given, knock and it will be open to you? When I am tired and lonely, where were You? When I felt that the darkness is creeping into my heart and my spirit was distressed where were You?
GOD!!! It is not enough that You should come by means of the Holy Spirit to fill my heart with joy and laughter....it is not enough that You satisfy my spirit....it is not enough that You promise me good things and give me hope.
Enough, Lord...of talks about blessings and the future...I just needed You to carry me over now...I never needed to know that I will prosper or go to heaven...nothing matters anymore. All I wanted was not just to feel You...I wanted to see You....I wanted to be with You...I wanted a hug from You...I wanted to lie in Your arms and be still...and weep into Your shoulder and find peace....
Lord...You may be with me always in the spirit...but I very much desire to find You in a form that I can see...a form that I may touch...to look into Your loving eyes and be lost forever...
LORD!!! Why are You hidden away from me that I may feel but cannot see, that I may cry but not know why, to be touched but not see the Hand that touched me...
But Lord, yes, I thank You for Your lovingkindness and mercy that has lifted me up and seem me through...even as I cried alone You were there, as I was frustrated You were there, even as I contemplated thoughts of hurt towards others and wanting to leave You and leave the church, You were there, as I was overwhelmed by sorrow You were there...
I don't know how to say thank You anymore...just...My God my God how much You have loved me to have called me to this blessed Church where You have placed a wonderful pastor in my life who leads me to find You for who You are. By this alone, Father, You truly loved me, so much that You brought me to the right place...so that I might find You.
=) Lord, I love You and my heart is Yours.
Qiaoru...my dearest buddy =)
I just wanted to say...thank you for everything you have done, for helping me through and being strong for me, for being kind with words and understanding at heart. There may be many times...when things between us become very harsh, storms come and go and we both feel so sian and emotionally tired.
But everyday, the journey with you has been an amazing one =) I would never look back and say I regret ever liking you. I thank God and thank you that you have been such a blessing in my life... You have been a great pillar of help and support =) I wish to care for you too and hope that I can be as great a blessing in your life as you have been in mine.
Thank you for the fun times, the laughter and the nonsense and the irritating things, thank you for your company, your warmth, comfort and your faithfulness towards me. Thank you for trying hard to give me the very best of you in all things. hehe.
Nothing to say? haha
Well...we have come a long way together =) and yea I no longer feel that its a schoolboy having a crush on a schoolgirl...haha...it feels deeper and much closer and more meaningful than anything I've ever felt...and I'm happy haha...despite the occasional sianness =P I look forward to going new places with you and to see new things and to walk new roads with you hehe =)
Chua Khar Loo...haha...I think you're awesome =) Love you alot =) Smile hahaha
24/2/07 - Smiley buddies
Hehe =)
