Saturday, August 26, 2006

Exams

Greetings all!! Wahaha I think ah, trying to change a style of blogging makes things very erm, how should I say, strange and quite unlike me. Shall I try to revert back to my comical self? I shall try.

I have some complains to make!! I would like to say...Die liao...shucks...I am actually super panicked now la and yet I have failed to make any move to quell the panic. Hmm. Because of making the greatest mistake in the world - joining study groups for 3 days, I lost all 3 days to slacking. Woot.

Now it has come to a saturday night. I by right have only one day left to cover 3 subjects. If I am not fried bacon then I am a fried chicken liao.

Ob paper still ok ba....but bad news...took me a whole day. So how to study finish three subjects? Cannot say impossible lol...becoz with God, all things are possible!! Amen.

I think I shall go and start soon...ahhhhh....lols...the hand of the Lord be with me.

Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 10:21 PM

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Darkness and Shadow

From the east to the west
From the north to south
There the great winds blew
In every terrible direction
Such as there was chaos
And he arising of storms
And from each side marched
Forwards came they
The minions of darkness
In armies so huge
Splendid and Majestic
Bore they upon the core
Where the Lord Ardor lay
And he was weakened
The Power Eternal was dormant
Unactive and in sleep
He looked to the armies coming
But there was no fear
He prepared his heart for death
His sword was drawn
Its light was cold and pale
Then as he was ringed by foes
A flash of brilliance
A storm of nine colors
And they came to him
Red of the flames entered him
The other eight were about him
And they ook physical form
There stood the Nine
In steadfast friendship
And within him, his power restored
And the armies bore upon the Nine
Like a tsunami wave of great measure
Sweeping and unyielding
But the Nine held their ground
Standing fast together always
Their swords were aglow with power
Their eyes shone with glory
Their Hand was like the fire
Their feet was like the wind
Light was like white fire
Speeding to the ruin of the enemy
And the might of darkness broke
Its minions far scattered
Every last one was pursued and slain
And the Nine stand victorious
Upon a field of great light
The heavens were open
The dark clouds dissolved
Nine banners were highly raised
And they left with Nine smiles

Posted by The Inflamed at 8:47 PM

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The wind is changing

Good day and salutations to all!! Haha. First I would like to extend my apologies to all dearest and faithful readers for indeed for the past few days and weeks I have made this blog out to be a blog of lamentations. If any have taken upon themselves even a slight weight of my burdens, I am sorry.

Though the world is not all bright and sunny, the clouds are moving, and the lo! Behold the glory of the uncovered sun as it shines once more in a world once percieved to be bleak and barren, dark and cold. Warmth shall be here and flowers and trees shall come forth in a million colours as opposed to winter where all is white and bleak. The sun is glorious and by it, all winters shall melt into a glorious spring! =)

The time has come my little friends to talk of other things! Ships and sails and ceiling wax! Cabbages and Kings! While the earth is boiling hot o let us dance and sing! In His glory and in His love, our one and only King!

Great is the Lord and Greatly to be praised. Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 2:19 PM

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Wolves are coming

Yea, here come my wolves, all bearing an exam script in their teeth, marked with the redness that is my blood, for every wrong question done.

Ah, so at last it will come to pass, that the exams shall take me by storm and I will fight ever to stand against the gale that will come, threatening to sweep me off as do the waves of the great seas.

I have been stretched here and there in many places this week my friends, bombarded by problems of relationships, work, the church, things of the mind and indeed, the sin of slacking off when I should be doing something more productive. I am tempted by slacking and am not yet motivated to study.

This is becoming more and more serious. Each day I pledge to study and each day my pledge fails. All other problems begin to shrink in importance whilst the peril of exams draw near. I have my goals, all has been planned out, but where is the action? I am tired le, but happier than before I suppose.

Studies actually don't worry me that much, if I have exaggerated my plight I apologise. But the world is not all fun and laughter now, but neither is it plagued by a terrible disease of depression. Right now, Life for me is just tiring and full of thoughts.

But I fear no labour and I fear no hardship. I need only cheer and friendly suport to keep me going. Hee =)

If I want my As, I better start now haha...cya all soon!! I have a feeling that the As are within reach =)

May the peace and strength of the Lord be with us all this day. Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 11:10 PM

Friday, August 11, 2006

What's next?

Things have gone fairly well for me thus far for the hand of the Lord has been with me. His presence again I feel and His strength is upon me, through times of my troubles He has lifted me, maintained my strength, birthed miracles in my life and set in motion a series of great things and having blessed me with a throng of wondrous people in whom I find great joy in.

Psalm 48:1 GREAT is the Lord, and greatly to be praised

I thank the Lord for having opened my eyes, my heart and my ears, praising Him for having wisdom bestowed upon my heart and having blossomed in me, the tree of Faith which was first sowed as a seed.

I thank the Lord for having been with me through my troubled times and may He reign in me, in all His power and glory forever. Amen.

Truly I have been restored and felt refreshed in His presence, having guarded my mind from depressive thoughts, restoring to me some part of my cheer, allowing me to have great joy in Praising Him and Worshipping Him. There has been no other time when such a line rang truer in my life:

You gave it all, You paid the Price and now I want to give You my life! As a sacrifice of Praise!

And also, haha, I would take this chance to say that besides the great worship leader that dwells in each of us, I think that Don Moen is by far the best =)

I confess still that when left alone, inside I am muddled. I don't really know what to feel. Am I happy? Or am I still sad? Excited? Or sianned? I have no idea. Perhaps my cheer has not been great enough to overcome the after effects of depression? Hee. No larx juz crapping. But I really don't know what is happening.

Why instead of being happy always my cheer comes and goes with frequency? I am lost in this matter and cannot figure out what is bothering me (or if there is a problem in the first place)

You know the mind is a complex thing? I actually learnt that on a subconscious level, we may tend to miss being depressed and pathetic that happiness seems like such a weird thing to have. Only when we are depressed do we feel like ourselves again lols. This concept can apply to why people are always late or why their rooms are always messy (like mine) =P....

I wonder if I feel that way? I dunno haha. Hope not.

I will continue to seek my solution and restore to myself my cheer. Praise be to the Lord God and may his mercy and grace dwell in all of us until the ending of the world. Amen.

By the way!!! I realised that the blog is being closely watched haha. I can play games too you know?? Woohoohoo. Hahahaha.

I may not look it but I am far more cunning and sly than you know ah...whoever is out there...this is for you hahahahahahaha. Cheerios.

Looks can be deceiving. Cheerz! =) hehehe.

Posted by The Inflamed at 10:38 PM

Monday, August 07, 2006

Boredom

Hello all!! Here I am to blog because well, I have nothing better to do, or rather no mood to do the things that I am supposed to do. Expect this to be a long one :)

Again I have been swept and overwhelmed by the plague of boredom and this will ultimately lead to a mini depression. But even as I speaketh thus, I find joy in writing and pouring out my heart here is the closest substitute I have for a listening ear. Nay nay, I am not here to whine about the difficulties and troubles of my life so fear not and worry not! This may be more of a reflection exercise as I seek to understand myself better.

My friends, you have all been burdened, carrying upon your shoulders with a great load of work now that the week of examinations draw near. Indeed it would not be fitting for me to cast my cares upon you when you have cares already to contend with. The Lord shall be my listening ear this day and forever and ever more.

In the fog of boredom I remain lost, seeing my goal and yet having no motivation to approach it. The lost sees the world as a maze, ever intimidating and it is frustration and terrible to them. But I assure you I am ever earnestly seeking my way out and there will be a lamp to guide me in the darkness.

At this very moment, I desire nothing more than good heart and good cheer, which I have not, but I feel guilty thinking this way, for my life has been a blessed one and I truly have no reason to lament. Yet such politically correct answers do not help one's mood. There is a way out. The question is when will I find it?

My test is nigh, in less than 24 hrs time and I have done nothing in preparation. O would I that my classmates were with me in a study group, that let there be laughter, joy and company amongst friends, that having struggled the night, the heart finds the sun in the morning and is refreshed. How might I have such strong focus that I dwell on studies alone and not on friends when the time comes?

Sometimes I wonder if my bitterness would force me down a path where I would not take? A path of a nerd perhaps, seeking refuge in studies only and all the time, having only one goal in life and that is to be successful. But sad isn't it? My mind is playing foul tricks on me =) now that I recognise it, at least its not that bad haha.

Know thy enemy before thyself. LOL. Actually, the most simple truths are the most profound truths. I learnt that in Garfield. Hehe. WOW isn't it?

I think I need a book. It has been awhile since I last read and I have had no motivation to continue the book that I have written which was lost when my computer broke down.

Life is actually a very wonderful thing, but its beauty lies in the eyes of he who beholds. Right now? I am one who stands in a brightly lit field, but who has chosen to dwell in a cave set in the middle. Is it very surprising that I only see darkness and a terrible life?

There is ever a struggle in my mind, between the armies of Good and Evil as perceived by me and the battle rages ever on and on, both caught in a deadlock, struggling for ultimate dominance. The Lord is with the Good in my mind and the Devil with the other.

If the Lord is with me, who can be against me? There is comfort in such thoughts.

I must find a way out of these dark and treacherous paths and have my cheer restored fully to me once more. I know not when the time will come and I know not how difficult it is going to be. But I am not staying in the pit any longer. I am going to jump out and behold the glory and beauty of the sun.

Life is Good. I must open my eyes to see it.

As Yoda once said in Star Wars Episode III, "Train your mind to let go of everything you fear to lose."

The Lord Denethor said in the Return of the King, "Stir not the bitterness in the cup that I have mixed for myself."

Richard Rahl said in the Sword of Truth, "Dwell on the solutions not the problems."

Andrew Matthews taught, "Dwell on something and you begin to move towards it."

The Bible says My God is able, He is mighty, He is Faithful.

And Don Moen teaches that the Lord never sleeps, He never slumbers, He never tires of hearing our prayer. That when we are weak, He becomes stronger so rest in His love and cast all of our cares on Him.

May the peace and grace of the Lord my God be with us all this day. Amen.

I depart in peace and in the hope that I may listen to the counsels that I have taken upon myself. Farewell.

Let there be light in dark times, the break of the storm and the calming of raging seas. The rewards will come just as we choose to give up. Endurance breeds fruit. Surrender breeds death.

Truly? I have found such joy in writing that I don't ever wish to stop. But it is getting long and the hour grows late. I wonder if anyone will even read =P

Posted by The Inflamed at 6:54 PM

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Wildness of Imagination is the root of my depression

Another eventful day of my life has come to a sorrowful end and I shall elaborate why. In fact the word 'sorrow' exaggerates somewhat. But the events have left me whittled down into a sheep lost in the mountains, with his Shepherd watching from a distance, simply waiting for the sheep to cry for help. The wolves are coming.

To start off, I think that today's service is a very good one, yes indeed to have seen how the church has grown from strength to strength, glory to glory by the annointing of the Lord on our dearest pastor Kong was a very moving scene and I cried alot today. It is wonderful to reflect back and see the miracles that the Lord has worked for the church.

I did enjoy myself during service, quite alot, though i was often distracted by my overly powerful imagination. But this day the Lord showed me a picture as I worshipped Him there and then, amidst my many thoughts.

I was given a scene where I was running down a long concrete tunnel of which the end could not be seen. It was well lit with electric lamps but the road that I ran was not a flat one. As I ran along a flat surface, I would suddenly have to jump down into a three-step tall shallow pit and the next moment I would jump up three steps again, back to the flat surface and as I ran, that was what I did, running and jumping, up and down and up and down. To reach the end of the tunnel, none of the pits may be avoided.

I think the meaning of the picture is most literal yes? This weekend I've been getting a very strong sense and feeling that the wolves are coming. Weeks ago Abel also said that as he prayed for me, he felt that I would have many rejections to deal with. The Lord has showed me the path of my life that I must undertake and it will not be an easy road.

I will fall and I will rise again and I will fall again and I will rise again. I have many many more trials to come and each will be a blow to me as I run down this path of life. I sense that I will stumble often in the many weeks, maybe months and years to come and I believe that I truly need all the support that may be offered me.

After service, I actually didn't know that we would be splitting into two groups, I thought that we would be going together for fellowship. I must admit that I was quite upset when I realised that we would be going different ways, but of course I cannot expect my mother to follow the youth group. I felt very left out actually because of well, the generation gap and I was slowly slipping into a state of unhappiness which would eventually lead to another depression. In fact at that moment i was so upset that i would have crushed the balloon in my hands with my fists but I was mindful of Sister Huijun.

While in the cab, I suddenly got angry with my depression and I began to rebuke it. The army of depression was invading my mind and as my mind was slowly consumed, the army of wisdom and cheer retaliated at last in a final stroke of defense. I counselled myself to think optimistically, not being too attached to things that I should not be too attached to, not to think a fool's thoughts, allowing my imagination to run rampant as bull that has a red cloth in its sight.

I was soothed by my own counsel, though not completely I think. Until now, I feel very lost and very upset with myself for not being able to control my own mind, allowing it to rule me and my moods. I may have been happy in the past week, but I have been foolishly happy, without a sense of direction, not knowing where I am going, like a sheep lost in the mountains. I was happy why? Because I avoided and I evaded, attempting to ignore the wolves that are prowling around, leading myself into self-delusion. I wish for a vision, that the Lord may tell me where I am headed, giving me a sense of purpose in this life. There is more to life than studies and irrational worries over friendship issues.

If I could, I would ask for a new mind, one that is focused in all that I do, dwelling only on good thoughts and not on the bad ones. I cannot get rid of my own foolish imaginations. How? By training myself I guess...

Because my dear friends, you see, this might sound abit sad, but for about fourteen years of my life, I had no true friends. All "friends" I had were mostly classmates, who served only to make my life in school a fun one. Once I went into another class, I forget about all in the old class and lost touch with them all. Having left GMPS, I forgot about everyone and "severed ties" with the school. I have been a loner, not having close friends to go out with and chat and share things, treating home as sanctuary, spending holidays alone with books and the computer.

When I have finally opened my eyes and received the joy of the trueness of friendship can it be understood that I cling on ever so tightly to it? That the fear of losing is so terribly great that I become paranoid when my mind works its accursed magic? I cannot bear the thought and everytime I perceived that I am slipping away from friendship I begin to cry. The thought of becoming a loner again is unbearable. I am aware that it is a very foolish notion and I perceive that friends are slipping away from me when they actually aren't. When i think that they slip away, I withdraw from them and become unfriendly and cold. As a result, I do lose them.

Haiz. Sometimes I really hate my mind and I wish that it be gone for it has caused me to sin time and again and even now I continue in sin because my mind sins and I have little power over it. I have tried time and again to refocus my thoughts but I cannot and simply telling me not to think too much is fat lot of help. I dont know how to overcome this problem le lor. I am very lost, very frightened and very upset.

The reason that I am communicating all this to you all over a blog is because well, I feel like I have been a fool and becoming burdensome and whiny. I am no longer a baby christian and I have known the Lord for some time already. What christian am I if I seek man to solve my troubles and not God? I come to pour out my troubles and what then? In the end I realise that I must seek Him for solutions. I feel very bad that everytime I come to you all, I tell you the same problems. Even if your mouth does not confess it, I'm sure in your heart you will begin to think this way.

Imagine if I came to you everyday and told you how terrible my life was? Haha, it truly is very tiring to listen to so whiny a person. I cannot rely too much on others but on myself that the Lord God will guide to my solutions. This truly is a bad time for problems to come because my exams are here...but oh wells.

There are times when I will have to rely on myself lor, for it is not possible that you are all always there for me. It is a very difficult lesson and it is a very great trial that I must face. Only God can help me now and He will. My faith must not slip, nor must I stumble but I fear for myself.

If solution takes a long time to come what then? My mind is not going to have mercy on me. My mind will tell me to withdraw from church because the Lord is not there for me. I pray for strength to combat all blasphemous thoughts and strength to be with me, that the Lord be strong with me lest I backslide.

I have been living in self denial for a long time. It is time to face what I have been trying to avoid.

Grace and power of the Lord God be with me this day and with all my dearest friends. Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 6:16 PM

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Time is short

Much that once was is fading and what happens now, leads into things that have not yet come to pass. Thus here we stand, everyday at a crossroads of choices, not knowing which one to take. Shall we slack or shall we work? Shall we sing or shall we remain silent? Every choice is a path in life and wither now do we go? Fast and quick decisions we must make.

There will be times when heart is of stone and feet are of lead, when sweat gleam on skins and trickles from head and there we cease at the crossroads, pausing with rest. And indeed when we decide to take a break, we never go on again. Life offers little breaks and let us break wisely when we do.

Now I am basking in joy shall we say, a muddle headed fool of a cloudy brain, whose paths are fogged and unclear and my feet turn here and there according to the will of my mind but my mind sees not and my eyes are blind and they deceive me. I am full of food so consumed and I am weary, simply thinking of the tasks that await me.

A million choices have I from now until tomorrow, where new paths shall be opened but one will be choiceless. Indeed tomorrow I have a test and though it is not the only path I may take, it is the clearest path that I should take.

Ahh..look here now how I have babbled on and on like a twittering fool. I shall end thus for time is precious and sleep is much needed which I cannot get. Time is short and I must hasten. I shall no longer tarry on msn but keep to my tasks...before the end that is tomorrow all must be complete.

Yet even now as I strive to end this, another speaks to me, luring me into the darkness of msn, shutting out the light, drawing me away from my destined path. But it shall not be so this day! I am truly weary. Farewell my dear friends! I depart!

As Gandalf said in the Fellowship of the Rings, "Now you must decide what to do with the time that is given to you."

So be it.