Saturday, September 30, 2006
The emptiness that dwelleths
Loneliness and emptiness of the heart are terrible to behold and terrible to experience and I wonder if this is what I just have to live with?
I am in this stage of life, in my late teens, having an incredibly high need for social interaction which I am sad to say, cannot be easily fulfilled. Perhaps it was a mistake of how I lived life in the past or perhaps I am still in line to receive the Lord's blessings but it has come to this.
No, do not get me wrong about this. I am not alone nor am I utterly friendless in this world that I complain and lament of loneliness. I have many wonderful friends, blessings of the Lord my God, in church and in school, but all in all, I feel that I am close with no one.
Allow me to illustrate. Imagine a small village with many houses. At times when I attend church or go to school, everyone comes out of their houses. There is great fun and fellowshipping and then the bell rings and everyone has to scuttle back home. Everyone seems to have someone to go home with, save I who goes home alone. This 'home' which I am referring to, is a dearest and most close friend.
Even all my classmates, sure we gather and have fun in school, but after school? Everyone departs to their own homes and fellowships with their own friends in their own houses. My house is however, empty.
I have formed no clique, I have made no close friends, I go from place to place and there is free entry and exit of the existing cliques. I hang out with just anybody and anyone who will have me amongst them. In short I appear to be some sort of a loner who prefers to go around alone, needing people only to fulfill social needs.
But my desire for friendship extends beyond there. Thus, having left the company of great crowds eg. CG, sch, I find that I feel very empty in the heart. There is just no one left and I just seek refuge in games and cling on to msn for support. There is no depression, but at times just a sadness and a longing will come.
I wonder why? Is this normal? Am I thinking too much again? Are there close friends nearby whom I cannot see and their friendship is not felt? I will lend others my support, but who will lend me theirs?
I have once been over reliant upon people who I presumed to be dearest and closest friends and thus accidentally intruded into their personal space. It was a real pinch to find out at the end that I was like a burden to them (burden may be a little exaggerated), though their willingness to help was sincere. I illusioned and dreamed far too much and lost a close friendship which I thought I had gained. In the end it appears to be no more then a fool's hope. I was indulged in their house only out of the kindness of their hearts.
I wonder if I should just pull myself together and just accept life as a loner? Is that my preferred style of life? Or have I done something so terrible in the past that I am abhorred?
But even as I am blindfolded and fogged in a maze with no sense of clear direction, I will just continue to pray and trust in the Lord my God as I walk forward. No matter what, I cannot once more allow the things of the World to affect my duty, love and obedience to the Lord. I will continue to press on and wait for His counsel, His deliverance from my problems and await His great blessings, for His promises He shall keep to me. I want more than anything else, to be a powerful warrior of the Lord and to serve until the end of the age. I pray that the Lord will swiftly answer me and hasten to guide me and lead me lest I fall.
I begin to take up His cross and come after Him. But the cross is heavy and the lifting is hard. I promise never to give up or stumble for I will trust in Him always and if I have no closest friend, I actually need not fear for the Lord is my closest friend and brother. When I am alone in the house that I have returned to, I fellowship not with men but with the Lord my God.
Hallelujah!! Praise the Lord my God for His grace endures forever! I will strive to make it my one true aim in life: To develope a true and powerful, intimate relationship with my Father in Heaven.
Praise the Lord! Amen.
Posted by The Inflamed at 12:24 AM
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Mobile Catering at Suntec, my joy
Hello all!! Smile. Now that I haven't blogged in awhile, I have loads to tell. Even though I'm fairly lazy right now, oh I'll narrate anyway. I feel that I haven't written in a long time.
To those who do not yet know, I was to join the mobile catering team at Suntec City in the IMF convention. I confess that at the beginning, I was terribly disappointed in my posting. I would have preferred entering either the hot or cold kitchen to work so that I may learn something extra that would aid me in my culinary practicum. But in my disappointment, I realised that God is good always =) and that I should not be disappointed. Surely something good will come of this. And I was right =) God is good!
The job is very basic. There are ten concession stands spread out in an orderly fashion, 4 on level 6 and 6 on level 4. Note the irony there. As long as any concession stand lacked food, we were to replenish. We were also taught to close and open the stalls. The baseline for this job is, if you get to slack, its terribly slack. If you get to work, its terribly busy, especially during closing and opening hours.
On the job I managed to make a number of new friends, many of whom belong to the same course so perhaps we'll see each other in the same class next year anyways. But I also got to meet alot of people from HTM (Hospi and Tourism) and LRM (Leisure and Resort) who manned the concession stands. Well, I thank God that I have broken through my shell of quietness, that at least I am more confident when speaking to strangers, being able to make small chat with those at the stands.
Being mobile, there is alot of walking to do, alot of exploration, alot to see and definitely alot of fun. With no offense to those in other kitchens, I would say that I would rather walk around and see everything than be stuck in a little kitchen decorating food. Why complain? I still got to eat alot =) It has been a most memorable experience for me and I've come to know many people along the way. The sad thing is that we may not recognise each other the next time we meet again in TP. But CKL said, "dat's life". Cruel isn't it? =)
I dearly miss illegally taking the food lifts, the stock taking, the high amount of social interaction, the smiles offered to the international delegates, the nicking of food from the kitchens, the camping beside bins when you know the chef is about to get rid of excess food, the tiredness of feet, the smell of the kitchens and the executive chef's office, the uniform, my beloved chef's hat (which if worn without the uniform looks terrible), my worldbank pass, the staff cafeteria sunspot, the seniors Jimmy, Run Xing, Daniel and Jackie....and I will miss all the joy and fun that I had...that was capable of taking away terrible things from my mind (if there were any in the first place).
I miss even the lethargy that came with the job and the satisfaction of a task well accomplished. I'm sad and will miss Suntec City, a convention centre that holds many memories dear to me. I hope each and every internaional delegate leaves Singapore with the same feeling as I left Suntec.
My heartaches. But all good things must come to a sorrowful end. But one good thing follows another I would say. Blessings and blessings be upon me! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord God almighty, giving Him thanks for my job and my friends and for everything that He has given me grace to experience. Praise the Lord. Amen.
Posted by The Inflamed at 12:11 AM
Saturday, September 09, 2006
My views of Life
The fruit of labour is like water from a tap
How much you turn the tap determines how much water will flow
Problems are like giant trees
They grow from little seeds
Prevent the seed from growing before it is too late
Lest it becomes a tree whose roots are hidden
Problem is like a tree with a multitude of branches
Each branch is like a side effect, from the main trunk
It laughs at your face when you trim branches with shears
Oh but hark how it howls when you bring a gleaming axe?
Every problem must be fiercely confronted
All bad trees must be chopped down
Every depression is a battle
Win it with reason and positiveness
With every single lie there must be a truth
The only way to fight lies are by truths
Lies place you in captivity like a prison
But the truth is freedom from all bondage
Life is a like a year with four seasons
We must move with the flow
Life is ever changing, nothing is permanent
The only permanent thing is change
It is easier to teach a wise man by simple rebuke
Than it is to teach a fool with a hundred strokes
Communication is like a master key
It opens the doors to the heart
Communication is a definite tool
For it brings down solid walls between two
Friendship is like a great house
It is not built overnight
At the end of all labours
The house is good to live in
Labouring for God is like looking after a child
Despite all hardships, in the end its all worth it
One man's beauty is another man's ugliness
Nothing in the world is ugly nor is anything beautiful
Happiness is a way of the mind
It depends on how you view the world
Do not be swift to judge others
Lest it be turned back onto you
Do not be quick to make assumptions
For it will warp your mind and thinking
In every person there is a split personality
One is of righteousness, the other is of sin
Every person is like a pilot
Where you drive to affects all those onboard
Your compass is important
Seek counsel if in doubt
And who better than the Lord God, the compass in our hearts?
The journey of life has many forks
Be ever careful to pick the right lanes
Lest you go in circles
Or arrive at the wrong place
Abide by the Law of the world
Happy is he who does
Broken is he who does not
Labour steadily and slowly
Seek not the shortcuts
For in the Law of the universe
Is not found the word "Shortcuts"
Trials are like a bully
Cower and be beaten
Fight and be victorious
Life is a journey of a thousand thorns
Will you walk it with shoes or barefeet?
Riches are like gold at the end of the rainbow
Seek it zealously and find that in the end it is all a myth
Successes in life are like a skyscraper
We must be ever zealous to build it
If you have not yet laid down the foundation
How might you see the view from the top?
Friends and family are like your shield and armor
When you stand naked, full force of blade shall skewer you
But your loved ones fight and defend you
Friendship is like many chopsticks bunched together
It is never easy to break
Through greater trials more chopsticks are added
And it grows from strength to strength
Bear no hatred or resentment in heart
Lest you become the very thing you abhor
Anger may be made manifest from time to time
But let it set with the sun
Never letting it last as the moon shines
Rising with the morning sun
Poverty is like a thief at night
It strikes while you slumber in your beds
Riches are a material thing
Do not care much for it
For as we came with nothing into the world
We shall leave with nothing also
As we bask in our blessings and goodness of life
Let us never forget to acknowledge He who gave it all
Amen. =)
Posted by The Inflamed at 3:33 AM
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Contentment
I don't think I will ever over emphasise the need to be content with all that you have now and to treasure to the maximum each and every moment. For you never know when it might be taken from your very bosom and gone, leaving you completely and devastatingly empty. For that which once you possessed was of value and you basked in its joy, taking it all for granted. You sought for something more, being the greedy fool and at the end of the rainbow, where is the gold that you sought? Its just cornflakes.
That was something I learnt from a movie I recently watched, one that is called CLICK and I think it has held abundant meaning for me and a message that struck me hard and struck me clear.
Happiness is not about material possessions, its all about love. When you have laid hands upon true love, be it family, friends or spouses, never let it go, never try to get something more, treasure every moment of it, for in this love, you already have everything you ever wanted. There is no greater thing you can ask of from this world. Perfect love is all that matters. It covers sin, it takes care of fear and it brings abundant joy to all and great blessings upon the world.
You know friends, I have never been a content person. Even when I have been surrounded by good things, a fully happy and contented life, I sought to move on to the next level, to acquire something that was never meant to be mine. Yet, the harder I worked towards getting it, the more I neglected those about me and I neglected myself and my calling and true purpose in life.
It was a fool's hope, dreaming and dwelling upon silly things that I should never have. I failed to seek contentment, desiring always something better in life, from the world. Why are rich men not the happiest men in the world? Rich men seek to become richer. People who are surrounded by love want something extra.
In the pursuit of foolish goals, one may find that he has lost the very thing he sought to get. A father seeks to work harder for the sake of his family, but he ends up neglecting them all and as a result, he lost his family. One who has many close friends, basking already in their love for one another may seek something more. He says, "My friends are not enough! I want popularity! Fame! More friends!" He will lose those who are closest to him.
When we have something that is good, we always want more of it. But this is the law of the universe: You can never have too much of a good thing. Your life capacity is only this limited, when you have more of one thing, you lose the other.
Do not fall into uncontentment my friends, rejoice in all that you have, lest you be deprived of love and your heart made like a shell, empty and hollow.
I have lost already my old happiness and my old cheer, the happiest I have ever been for sixteen years, I flushed down the drain. Be not mistaken my friends, I am not depressed nor am I unhappy, but my current happiness can never replace the one I had before.
I prize the love of friendship and family the most important thing in the world. If this is not worth getting depressed over, I would say nothing is.
Everything in good time. Do not be like he who pursues the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, for it will amount to nothing. Be not greedy and care little for wealth and riches, working ever steadily with an uncovetous heart. No matter how busy you are, take some time out to spend time with your loved ones, friends and family alike. Neglect no one and be of good cheer always.
Unlock the gifts you have in your life for no one is untalented. Find your calling and your purpose for good of the world, move towards it, with love at your right hand. You will not have to chase after money, but money will run after you!!
So take heart and treasure what love you have and cling to it! Material possessions will pass away, riches will pass away, your successes will pass away, but true love will by no means pass away.
Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!
Posted by The Inflamed at 11:21 AM
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Ahhh!!!
Ello ello!! =) Smile and let each and every gleaming tooth sparkle and gleam by the light of the sun that all who look upon you may be dazzled and ultimately blinded!! =) Of course to save the race of mankind I will have to knock out your gleaming teeth =) So SMILE!! but dun smile too much...later no more teeth den smile until very ugly haha.
Hello hello once more. LOL. You know why I crapping? Hehe. Coz nothing to say. So irritating. Hmm ok la, I think that you know, past few services has been great and I have been feeling rather blessed ya. =)
I am sooo happy, elated, joyful, delighted, exuberated and euphoric and dun forget smile-atious that the exams are at last truly and officially declared OVER!! YEA!! Come ye the oceans and roar in my victory!! Haha. For I dun tink I will fail any subjects...how can fail right? With seed sowed, bountiful fruit is reaped! SMILE!! haha.
So now busying myself in mental preparation for IMF. Woah hard work seh =P den I also got to read one big stack of comics, finish playing 3 games, relearn how to play some games, find people to go out and keep me entertained and also must sleep soo much more than I have ever slept before. Oh dearz...so irritating...suddenly my life is so busy I think hor I would rather go back to exam period where life was so much more relaxing. You know...where you need only focus on one thing: EXAMS GALORE!!
Heeheehee. I think I being very evil. So dowan say liao LOL. But actually I wun be that free also...coz trying to find work ya...and then I have to deal with multplication and the changing of class....ahhh!! And so after september ends I will have departed from a multitude of loved ones. I really think I will cry lol. My world is changing all at once.
There will be alot of adaptation to change and I still haven't developed love for change lol. I better learn it.
Still...I have four days freedom...roughly...on which some days hor I feel deprived becoz I need to go down to the network marketing cafe.
I am actually quite sianed...becoz my passion is not there...I feel like I am dragging myself to work. I dun like to work in such a manner. But hor, I duno if I am lazy or that God is telling me not to work there. Sometimes it feels like He is telling me to find another job....then another part of me scared that I give up becoz unwilling to work then He will be displeased lol.
Which is my own counsel and which is His? Surely mine is the foolish counsel...but becoz I cannot see into my future I duno leh. lol.
Tonight will pray and see if He wants me to leave the company...lol.
God Help me, Point me, Guide me and Direct me.
The Grace, the Hand, the Power and the Glory of the Lord, O most Highly Exalted, most faithful and honourable, One true Good and Living God Almightly, King of Kings, God of gods, Lord of Lords, the Heavenly Father, be with us all this day. Amen, Amen, Amen and amen and amen. Praise the Lord.
Posted by The Inflamed at 10:55 PM
