Wednesday, October 25, 2006

A shattered heart

You have shattered my heart of glass
Which I have entrusted into your loving care
Your hand has slipped and it fell
And into a million pieces it has become

I sought you in many places
Waiting until sun is old and moon is dead
You then appeared before me
As one that I have longed to behold for eternity

For all my patience you cast me down
For my perseverance you shunned me
Throughout the day your eye turned to all
But where I stood, there is a blind spot

So many times I had you alone
And we spoke until the sun faded the moon
I basked in the joy of your presence
Fearing the moment that you would go

You arose and departed without a backward glance
And my gaze pierced into your back
Hoping against hope to see you turn
To see that smile and hear that laughter

Am I but a pawn in your circle?
That which you may use to your convenience?
Do I bear no significance in your heart?
Like the dust that is tossed by the wind?

I wrote to you letters of a thousand words
And laid bare the agony of my being
To see you and not being able to gain
The joy of your wondrous presence

You said to give me comfort
You said to lift my shame
You promised to be there forever
You promised to hear my pain

But where my gaze glanced
It fell only upon your shadow
And it passes away swiftly
As if descending into the pits

I sought you but found you with others
And your laughter carried with them
But your smiles died with me
And I could not partake of your joy

I need you with me, forever and ever
Just to be around when I'm down
That by your love you may hold me
That in your company I am joyous

I wish to hear your laughter forever
And see that sweet smile on your face
To see joy flowing through you
And to make you happy always

Do you know the pain of desire?
When it can never be fulfilled?
To where do I find relief?
Only you I'm eager to seek

My sighs create a gale
I drown in an ocean of thoughts
I pain in my depression
Knowing that you care not

I so deeply ever want
Only you to know my pain
All that I'm going through
All because you were there

Will you pick up the fragments?
And restore it back to a whole?
With the love that you carry in your bosom
To mend the deepest wounds of my heart

A poem by Clarence Chue, when he was under the flame of depression. The poem is a representation and does in NO WAY, accurately refer to anyone in my life.

Posted by The Inflamed at 10:32 PM

Saturday, October 21, 2006

My pain and my shame


Hello all once again! This is the third painting of the series and I title it Agony. Actually, there is no sequence to the emotional paintings for who has his emotions organised and chronologocally felt and expressed?

The plains and dark and barren and the sky is dark and cloudy, filled with the fumes of a great and blasting volcano. Even the bright light of the sun cannot pierce through the terrible smog and the winds do not have the power to clear it. For this is the closing darkness.

Behold the great tree that is man (or me). Behold how its boughs are twisted and how it is leafless! It has twisted in such terrible and sheer agony that something within wants to erupt and explode out, crying out in all its pain, not being able to bear it any longer, for all know that the molten larva is hot and what tree may stand against it?

The volcano is the symbol of that frustration in the hearts of those who are going through a terrible agony. It bursts out and belches forth great fumes and molten larva asthe pain has been bottled up too long within its very body and thus it erupts into a flare for it can no longer contain it.

This is the agony with which I have cried many times, where tears have flowed from me like the rivers of molten magma, that which each breath I exhale terrible fumes.

From whence came this agony? Ahh...from many of my other paintings actually. From the works titled Desire, Anticipation, Depression and Loneliness.

Need anymore be said?

I shall trust in the Lord my God for surely He wants us to cry out to Him like an erupting volcano and His answers shall speedily come. Amen!

O Shout to the Lord!! Hallelujah!

Posted by The Inflamed at 11:58 AM

My greatest fear


Hello all once again! This is the second painting in my series which I title Loneliness. Actually I think such a painting need hardly be explained. But I shall do so anyway. I feel that it can be interpreted in two ways.

The first: The lone tree has been left in the middle of a once great forest. Why? If you look closely is the tree not unusual? Why is it like plastic? When the woodcutters came for their wood, they took every tree but that and left it standing. Cutters of wood have taken away the companions of the lone tree.

The second: Because of how weird it is, the other trees have left it. They have moved away to where they will not be around that great tree and see now they gather against it behind, whispering behind its back and speaking ill of it.

How does this apply me? Haha...well...let us see. In situation one, I think that it its not really true in my life, but it has happened before. I have had some friends taken away from me by others and then, having lost their friendship, I was great sorrowful in the heart. For most part now, is mainly a very great fear of falling back into that situation.

For in the past I used to be well...quite friendless for the whole of my primary school life. The first two years of secondary school also...the number of friends I had was quite sad...mainly because I suppose I don't take joy in all the things that the guys are doing. Dota...anime...manga...soccer...argh...buay tahan. Haha. Not having known true friendship before, having found some now, of course I would cling tightly to it instead of letting it go! For it is a most treasured possession. Though I do live in fear that someday they too will be lost not because I let them go but that they were taken by others.

Scenario two, amazingly, such an incident also happened in my life. One or two people have avoided me because of who I am and it took me great trouble to get them back in my life, over which I have suffered much. It really made me doubt my selfworth and significance, up to the point where I would have felt completely and utterly useless if not for the help and support of the Lord my God and several dear friends.

But when's all been said, in the end, the most basic thing that I'm trying to put across is loneliness. As I have stated in a previous blog entry, I wonder how it is possible to return from such a great gathering like a church service to end up going home feeling very downcast and lonely? I cling on to msn why? Because through msn I am not lonely.... The desire of my heart? Good and close companionship.

But I will continue to seek the Lord my God, even until the day of my death, believing that He will do all things for me. Even if He doesn't wish to bless me, I care not anymore. For all that He has done already, it is enough for me to Praise Him all the days of my life. I have learnt that it is important to love Him not for what He can give me, but to love Him because He is God. Hallelujah!

Sing and clap all you peoples! For He is the Lord God Almighty! Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 11:35 AM

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Rending of heart and flesh


This the is the work that I title Desire. Why is Desire such a terrible thing? Perhaps it is not. But it is an emotion that I have beheld, struggled with, been defeated by, rose again, only to be defeated again!

Desire is like an endless hunger, it keeps on coming until it is fulfilled. It has a significant power, perhaps more than you can ever imagine. I have been crushed, time and again, not having the desires of my heart fulfilled and its teeth is ever gnashing. If no food is fed into its mouth, it shall bite and destroy itself.

So I have chosen to place the venus flytrap on the tree that represents the hunger for something it cannot reach. Where is the abundance and the vast fruit and greenery? The desire and the lushness of the forest is split by the river that is murky and poisonous, one that is uncrossable. Why is this tree different from the others, in that its trunk is greyish and leafless. The flytrap has consumed most of its own leaves and the tree has become different, from all the other happy trees in the far off distance. They are different. Notice the pattern of the stones, they stretch out in all directions, the four fingers of a hand. They are reaching out to something they cannot get.

How can this be applied into my life? Can no one answer this themselves? I have faced desire time and again, beaten and beaten until it has been fulfilled. My patience wears thin while my hungry desire grows stronger day by day, such that I may sink even into depression. What is more painful than wanting something you can never have? It might be foolishness sure, but a very real desire nonetheless. It is painful to me and I dislike to bear it.

But it is inevitable. I shall continue to seek the Lord and build up the faith in me that He has already given me what I wish for. Only when my faith has been truly established in the Lord my God, perhaps then I would not lament over things that I can only get in 20 years.

Praise the Lord for He is Good! Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 11:43 PM

Saturday, October 14, 2006

AEP: My Life (1)


I have done paintings for my O level art examination for AEP and well, what have I painted? In the secret places of my heart I so name them: My Life and its emotional experiences. In presentation, I put forth the idea of man and his possible and highly likely emotional struggles of which is displayed above.

Why the plant in the middle? I feel that man is like the plant. Or shall I say, the stem of the plant. How green are the leaves? How deep do the roots go? Has it been infested with parasites or foreign objects? Such is the consequences of the actions of man. And around man, are 6 emotional struggles painted out, each as you will notice, have a tree to represent man in the middle.

I shall name them, from the volcano painting first, and moving in a clockwise direction. They are: Agony, Elation, Desire, Anticipation, Depression and Loneliness.
(Click on the picture for enlarged view)

In my blog here I shall begin a short series about describing how each painting is a reflection of my own life now, back then and in the future to come. Each painting shall be enlarged in future posts, not only for the purposes of displaying my work (which by the way, I consider it my pride and joy, having little talent in the artistic realm), but also, I wish to narrate the events of my own life, in a less boring manner.

Sadly I only got a B3 for this project, even after having slogged at it for an entire year. Praise the Lord that they are now sitting in my room at home. I have been to school to rescue them from the clutches of dust and darkness as they sit lonely and forgotten in the AEP storeroom. They shall remain with me forever.

Why suddenly this? =) Hmm, Friends, can I say that at this moment I have been cast into a refining fire, being broken down, ripped apart, torn and cast into the valley of darkness where I am teaching myself to swim and reach for the fertile soils?

I have a desire to take root and grow like a mighty tree out of the valley as the sun leads me to my breakthroughs. It is a phase of depession that I am willing to go through to endure as my Lord God bade me. Fear not for me. I only ask that you smile often in my presence that I might partake of your joys, knowing at least that the world around me is still bright and wonderful though I cannot see. But by faith, I have seen the light and thus keep the light strong until I come up and grow lamps of my own.

I embrace my depression with a steeled heart and I will walk through it with the fire of the living God. After having tried to find relief and support sources from my own thinking and close friends, I realised that relief is impossible to achieve at this moment.

Something powerful is at work here my dear brothers and sisters (in Christ) and friends also! That nothing on Earth may grant me my joy, no matter what anyone does or says, it matters not. My depression is from the Lord and it is by His will that I walk through the fire now as I have bade Him make me.

Haha. It is actually very strange to feel happy and depressed at the same time...so I believe that the Lord is at work. Praise Him. The Lord has given me His assurance, that my breakthrough shall be great, that the prize He has in store for me, is greater than anything I can ever hope for. But my suffering shall be long and the sacrifice is more terrible than even I can imagine. Only those who have been truly depressed know what I am going through.

I think it is quite amazing (though tiring) to know that even my loved ones cannot offer me a road out of th depression. It is a clear sign to me that I shall no longer seek man for comfort but the Lord. Hallelujah.

For Psalm 69 says that:
Verse 1-2:
Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the deep mire,
Where there is no standing;
I have come into deep waters,
Where the flood overflow me.

Verse 20:
I looked for someone to take pity, but there was none;
And for comforters but I found none.

And verse 13:
But as for me, my prayer is to You,
O Lord in the acceptable time;
O God in the multitude of Your mercy,
Hear me in the truth of Your salvation.

Psalm 27:14 says:
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

My heart is steeled and I stand ready before the Lord. Bless Him for He is Good! Praise the Lord! Amen. =)

Posted by The Inflamed at 11:46 AM

Life flows like the river

And so the waters gush and flow
From the mountains high and low
Through the plains and past the fields
Through great valleys and great hills
Goes the rivers flow and flow

The terrain changes ever and ever
From the arid plains to the fertile soil
From barrenness to fruitfulness
With high speed and with low
Goes the rivers flow and flow

Where will the water go?
Past the rocks and nodding plants
Past the populated banks of green
Under the skies twisting to and fro
To the seas rivers flow and flow

When shall the rivers reach the destined sea?
And in what state does it flow?
From wither did it come?
To where is it headed for?
In vanity I hope not, rivers shall flow and flow

Shall the waters churn and boil?
Raging like the molten stream?
Passing through lands aglow
Shall all who touch it reel with pain?
That such is shunned and cast away?

Shall the waters rush and flow?
Eyes and ears all blind to life
To the beauty it could have beheld?
Or shall it pass that its surroundings are shadows?
That it desires only to seek the seas

Shall the waters be of murkish green?
Poisonous foul and arid?
Surely this is the deathbringer
And it destroys even the seas
A place shall be aside for these

Shall the waters be all still?
Deep and stagnant of rotting filth?
Wind shall not move it
For it is cut off and will not flow
Its lot are the swamps and muddy pools

Shall the water be as a wave?
Great and terrible and destructive?
That cities are consumed
That men perish by its glare alone
That its fingers should ensnare souls

Or shall the water be its useful tool?
A friend to one and all in needy times
A blessing upon the cursed lands
Like the rain that falls upon the crop
And the waters that beautify a scene

Shall not the waters be a gentle wave
Blown calmly by the breeze?
That all might delight by its gentle touch
And the coolness that it brings
Blessed are waters such as these

And shall the waters find good soil?
And sowing seed that fruit may grow?
In abundance waters may bring forth
For riches lie in its very soul
Reach the seas in peace and in blessings

Thank the Lord for the water in your heart
For surely by Him it will be good
Let it not have terrible reign
But let it be blessed as welcome rain
Blessed be your waters

Ascend to the skies O you good waters
Take your place amongst the clouds!
And find your place with the Lord
That He may use you for a purpose
That you might be the rain that He sends

Pure blameless and holy shall you come
Down in a gentle pour
And all shall rejoice in this day
For you surely come down in victory
As the shower of blessings of the Lord

And to the deadness of the Earth life will come
That deserts will bloom its flower
That the earth with yield its fruit
That gardens will reign once more
And that all might be good in the sight of the Lord

Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 11:17 AM

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Babies!!

Hee! You know I was just at Annie's house today, having personal bible study conducted by Sister Huijun. Well, there is always a great pleasure in going up there because that also happens to be the home of Annie's beloved son, Justin or aka Baby Justin.

I have to say, I really have met few babies as cute as this one. Even on the trains or buses I may come across parents wheeling prams with babies in or should I say just the average baby of the average Singaporean on an average Singaporean street on an average Singaporean day. But then I started using baby Justin as a benchmark to judge the cuteness of other babies (oops) and I found that there are very few who can compare. I'm guessing its his plump and rosy cheeks that make him so adorable. I think he is cuter than I was when I was little! (oh dear! Hows that possible? =P)

But the baby is a really fun bible study companion. Today he sat along with us as we were taught on his baby chair and listened to preaching of the Word, Praise the Lord. But he wouldn't keep completely still and is in this phase where grabbing things is like ultra fun. So he would play with pens and highlighters etc. There were many fun moments like when Sister Huijun was preaching midway when he started to violently shake his head as if to disagree with her...hee. But cute and Sister Huijun herself also very fond of him and will just gladly play along =)

Today was the first time I saw him smile and I thought I distinctively heard him say "hello" (or did I hear wrong?). Also, I was allowed to carry him for the very first time...hehe.

I just wish to say that well, babies are just so very heartwarming. I went up to Annie's house feeling a little down and left feeling very high. When the baby just reached out to me, it was like wow, the joy is there. I don't think I can express here how I felt when he reacted to me...it was just...wow. I just felt so happy carrying him, even if for only awhile. I think if I were the father or a brother I would have cried right then.

I just think babies are such great joy to behold and their company is great. They are a blessing from the Lord God. Of course I have seen only the good side of babies for today baby Justin was as good as gold. But is hardwork to raise a baby worth the joys it would bring? YES!!! Definitely!! Cheers!

Praise the Lord my God, and thanking Him for the presence of baby Justin on Earth. May he grow to be a powerful man of the Lord! Hallelujah! Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 1:08 AM