Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Clarification

Hello everyone =)

I would just like to clarify some of the things i said in my previous post and erm haha talk a little bit more about relationships.

Now I know that I am not the leading authority of relationships and have not all wisdom and understanding about things. So for he/she who despises my views and my opinions, I want to say I'm sorry. I just wish for free expression of my own views on my own blog. I do not insist that I am right nor am I saying that others are wrong.

Being in a relationship seems like such a simple thing, all about the other person, spending time with him/her, the hugs, the kisses, the love notes, the batting eyelashes, the shyness, the gossips, the slanders, the dating, the phone calls, the heavy smsing, lovey-dovey speech, love, love and all about love and more love, coupled with suanning, the occasional sneer and the sideglance at that-couple-over-there-speaking-sweet-nothings-to-each-other.

At least before I considered committing myself to a girl, that was what I thought relationships are all about. It is a companion you can have, someone who will listen to your woes, be nice to you, buy you presents, hug you when you are feeling sad and lend you a shoulder to cry on. But being in a serious relationship is just nothing like that. Its nothing light and is definitely nothing seriously funny.

I wouldn't laugh if someone told me he was getting married.

But yea, being in a serious relationship kind of boasts that kind of seriousness. It is about being seriously committed to someone whom you are considering as a potential spouse. The dating process is merely a phase whereby you discover if this person is suited to you, settle your differences and see if your personalities match well enough for the couple to wed.

I would call it making an informed decison before marriage. Is being committed funny? I don't think so...for the person who is trying to manage his or her commitment. It is alot of hardwork and managing a proper relationship is probably one of the hardest things you'll find yourself doing in this lifetime.

In the past, I would look at a girl, see that she's great, "fall in love" and start to try and woo her, suffering the pangs of a crush for several months, getting into depression and deep longing for the girl who by the way, is not even close to in any sense. I may not even know her name =)

Me, I don't believe in love at first sight anymore. I don't believe in true love developing in a moment of weeks. I would say that love takes years to cultivate and grow. You can easily spend 4 years with a person and suddenly break up with him/her the very next day. If true love were involved here, the couple would remain friends even after breaking up, understanding that they are not suited for each other.

As for Qiao ru, I cannot with confidence say that I love her deeply and sincerely. I can't, even though I've known her for about 3+ years. But my love for her currently remains at the friendship and sibling level...and I can safely declare that I do love her alot as my buddy and my sister.

Relationship love? I'm not so confident. I'm not that bold to say that I am. Time reveals much.

There is a significant difference dating a close friend and dating a girl you have only known for a week or a month. There is a fresh and new level of closeness and comfort and companionship that assuredly I say, can only be offered you by a friend or a family member. I wouldn't encourage dating someone you can't even be open up to, to talk about your own personal life instead of just crapping and having fun.

I had a very close friendship with a friend once. For 4 years. We laughed, we talked, we crapped, we had fun. The moment we left our secondary school, we lost touch and now only talk 5-10 times a year. Crapping builds very weak friendship but deceptively portrays very strong bonds between people and solid friendships. In my opinion, dating people that you have a crapper's relationship with is wrong. There isn't anything deeper than what's on the surface. The moment you date this wonderfully joyous he/her who is wonderful companion because of his ability to crack comical jokes and make you laugh, you will discover the uglier side of the person.

When you see it, you may want to leave him/her. Oh...but so sad, you've commited yourself to a relationship. How? Break up? How many times should we conduct trial and error and keep on breaking up until we find the right one?

I've said so much. =) But as usual, no one understands what I have just said and no one will listen too. Why? Relationships are a very complex thing. I know, because I didn't listen when I was counselled. I dove into it anyway and confessed to the girl. Its hard to understand it, when you haven't gone through it yourself.

I just wanted to cry out that taking care of someone else is NOT easy. And DON'T argue this point with me =)

In the past 8 months, I would say that I have learnt to take relationships very seriously or more seriously. As I said above, I'm not all wise, not all mature, I may still be wrong and still have a streak of childishness in me when I say I love Qiaoru.

But yea...does anyone know how much thought I've given to the relationship? I have had sleepless, worried nights, many prayers that have wasted my eye with grief. I have been through countless problems, struggles and other nonsense because I and Qiaoru, after much communication, found out that we possess very different personalities that cause great conflict if we do not have the ability to understand one another and communicate effectively.

Men are from Mars, Women, from Venus.

If you are willing to commit to a relationship, what about the other person? Are you sure you know your partner well enough before you date him/her? He/she may be living a double life. Are you and your partner willing to communicate and solve problems together and stick together no matter how terrible things become? Are you sure that you and your partner have a very strong bond? Can you stand the test of time? Have I told my parents? Will your partner tell his/her parents? Can both stay accountable to leaders and parents? What about the spiritual life of the two? Can the guy lead her on in their spiritual walk? Is there a purpose, a goal to your relationship? Or are you looking for hugs and kisses?

So many things to think about, so many worries =) So many people would say that I worry too much, being negative and I should just trust God for my relationships.

The truth is here, even if people do not like to know it. Lets not be rash and suffer emotional hurts and traumas like I have. =) If I understood what it meant, to get to know Qiaoru more before I made my confession to her, I probably would have felt better.

People say, "But I now having a crush on someone already v cham!"

=) Then you go and confess to the person, then come back and tell me if confess already more cham or before confession more cham.

It took me and Qiaoru alot of strength, determination, perserverance and careful thought and additional counsel to remain friends to this day. It was a stiff and tough journey, but very rewarding when we think of all the relationship devils we have overcome. But the moment we defeat one devil, a tougher one appears and we have to contend with it. It can become very tiring.

By the way, the more you underestimate the devil the more powerful he becomes. When we underestimate the devil, we say "Of course I can do all these things, Jesus is with me!" Haha, of course positive confession is good. But when you really get hit by depression by the devil, lets see how weak he really is.

Never say I CAN with too much confidence. Because the devil will come and challenge you and things suddenly seem to be harder than before.

I just wish to make myself clear that I am not promoting relationships, even if it may seem that I am on the verge of entering into one. Nor am I saying that because I have taken my relationship life with serious consideration that I despise those who do not. Again I say, I myself have not all wisdom. This entry might even be a pile of garbage to the Wise.

Getting into a relationship is not wrong. But a relationship with someone is still something very precious and important to God because well, He takes our relationship with Him very very seriously.

I just want to say...do think through before you decide to enter into one. =) If I and Qiaoru should get together one day...do remember that it was not easy to have come so far, not easy at all to have chosen each other. The reasons involved are far more deeper than, "Oh I think she is cute or she has a good heart or oh, she cares so much for others I'm so moved."

AND I'm NOT boasting, "Wahaha! Look! We have had the strength to come so far. Can you do it? I don't think so! BLEH!"

No motive, nothing behind this entry. All I want to say is...

Don't simplify, misinterpret and misunderstand what LOVE and relationships is all about. If someone hasn't been in one and tells me he/she understands all about relationships, then someone needs to be delivered from the spirit of lies or spirit of haughtiness haha because even as I write this, I can't claim to understand EVERYTHING about relationships. I'm just sharing what little I know.

And also I wish to say that IF I and Qiaoru do get together one day, I hope to have your respect, not treating our relationship lightly or believing that we are together purely because we have had the emotions and the feelings for each other.

Despite the feelings, we are still just good friends now...do view us as such...sometimes it just feels like a crime for me to talk to her because we don't want people to think that we are together. I don't talk to her just because "Oh, but boyfriend and girlfriend always spend time together de ma!!"

=) Yea right. Are close friends not even allowed 5 mins to talk to each other without people saying, "Wah you know ah...these two they are always together."?

If I as a close friend, am not allowed to spend time with her without people saying, "Why are the both of you so close?", then should I stop talking to her completely so as to convince people that we are not together?


Maybe I have been talking nonsense. Maybe all throughout this entry I've not been making sense to some people. But I've said my piece and I rest my case.


Glory to the Father for a wonderful friend and of course the CG =) Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 11:44 PM