Sunday, August 06, 2006

Wildness of Imagination is the root of my depression

Another eventful day of my life has come to a sorrowful end and I shall elaborate why. In fact the word 'sorrow' exaggerates somewhat. But the events have left me whittled down into a sheep lost in the mountains, with his Shepherd watching from a distance, simply waiting for the sheep to cry for help. The wolves are coming.

To start off, I think that today's service is a very good one, yes indeed to have seen how the church has grown from strength to strength, glory to glory by the annointing of the Lord on our dearest pastor Kong was a very moving scene and I cried alot today. It is wonderful to reflect back and see the miracles that the Lord has worked for the church.

I did enjoy myself during service, quite alot, though i was often distracted by my overly powerful imagination. But this day the Lord showed me a picture as I worshipped Him there and then, amidst my many thoughts.

I was given a scene where I was running down a long concrete tunnel of which the end could not be seen. It was well lit with electric lamps but the road that I ran was not a flat one. As I ran along a flat surface, I would suddenly have to jump down into a three-step tall shallow pit and the next moment I would jump up three steps again, back to the flat surface and as I ran, that was what I did, running and jumping, up and down and up and down. To reach the end of the tunnel, none of the pits may be avoided.

I think the meaning of the picture is most literal yes? This weekend I've been getting a very strong sense and feeling that the wolves are coming. Weeks ago Abel also said that as he prayed for me, he felt that I would have many rejections to deal with. The Lord has showed me the path of my life that I must undertake and it will not be an easy road.

I will fall and I will rise again and I will fall again and I will rise again. I have many many more trials to come and each will be a blow to me as I run down this path of life. I sense that I will stumble often in the many weeks, maybe months and years to come and I believe that I truly need all the support that may be offered me.

After service, I actually didn't know that we would be splitting into two groups, I thought that we would be going together for fellowship. I must admit that I was quite upset when I realised that we would be going different ways, but of course I cannot expect my mother to follow the youth group. I felt very left out actually because of well, the generation gap and I was slowly slipping into a state of unhappiness which would eventually lead to another depression. In fact at that moment i was so upset that i would have crushed the balloon in my hands with my fists but I was mindful of Sister Huijun.

While in the cab, I suddenly got angry with my depression and I began to rebuke it. The army of depression was invading my mind and as my mind was slowly consumed, the army of wisdom and cheer retaliated at last in a final stroke of defense. I counselled myself to think optimistically, not being too attached to things that I should not be too attached to, not to think a fool's thoughts, allowing my imagination to run rampant as bull that has a red cloth in its sight.

I was soothed by my own counsel, though not completely I think. Until now, I feel very lost and very upset with myself for not being able to control my own mind, allowing it to rule me and my moods. I may have been happy in the past week, but I have been foolishly happy, without a sense of direction, not knowing where I am going, like a sheep lost in the mountains. I was happy why? Because I avoided and I evaded, attempting to ignore the wolves that are prowling around, leading myself into self-delusion. I wish for a vision, that the Lord may tell me where I am headed, giving me a sense of purpose in this life. There is more to life than studies and irrational worries over friendship issues.

If I could, I would ask for a new mind, one that is focused in all that I do, dwelling only on good thoughts and not on the bad ones. I cannot get rid of my own foolish imaginations. How? By training myself I guess...

Because my dear friends, you see, this might sound abit sad, but for about fourteen years of my life, I had no true friends. All "friends" I had were mostly classmates, who served only to make my life in school a fun one. Once I went into another class, I forget about all in the old class and lost touch with them all. Having left GMPS, I forgot about everyone and "severed ties" with the school. I have been a loner, not having close friends to go out with and chat and share things, treating home as sanctuary, spending holidays alone with books and the computer.

When I have finally opened my eyes and received the joy of the trueness of friendship can it be understood that I cling on ever so tightly to it? That the fear of losing is so terribly great that I become paranoid when my mind works its accursed magic? I cannot bear the thought and everytime I perceived that I am slipping away from friendship I begin to cry. The thought of becoming a loner again is unbearable. I am aware that it is a very foolish notion and I perceive that friends are slipping away from me when they actually aren't. When i think that they slip away, I withdraw from them and become unfriendly and cold. As a result, I do lose them.

Haiz. Sometimes I really hate my mind and I wish that it be gone for it has caused me to sin time and again and even now I continue in sin because my mind sins and I have little power over it. I have tried time and again to refocus my thoughts but I cannot and simply telling me not to think too much is fat lot of help. I dont know how to overcome this problem le lor. I am very lost, very frightened and very upset.

The reason that I am communicating all this to you all over a blog is because well, I feel like I have been a fool and becoming burdensome and whiny. I am no longer a baby christian and I have known the Lord for some time already. What christian am I if I seek man to solve my troubles and not God? I come to pour out my troubles and what then? In the end I realise that I must seek Him for solutions. I feel very bad that everytime I come to you all, I tell you the same problems. Even if your mouth does not confess it, I'm sure in your heart you will begin to think this way.

Imagine if I came to you everyday and told you how terrible my life was? Haha, it truly is very tiring to listen to so whiny a person. I cannot rely too much on others but on myself that the Lord God will guide to my solutions. This truly is a bad time for problems to come because my exams are here...but oh wells.

There are times when I will have to rely on myself lor, for it is not possible that you are all always there for me. It is a very difficult lesson and it is a very great trial that I must face. Only God can help me now and He will. My faith must not slip, nor must I stumble but I fear for myself.

If solution takes a long time to come what then? My mind is not going to have mercy on me. My mind will tell me to withdraw from church because the Lord is not there for me. I pray for strength to combat all blasphemous thoughts and strength to be with me, that the Lord be strong with me lest I backslide.

I have been living in self denial for a long time. It is time to face what I have been trying to avoid.

Grace and power of the Lord God be with me this day and with all my dearest friends. Amen.

Posted by The Inflamed at 6:16 PM